Becky and Ben

Dear Becky,

You are a wonderful person. Beautiful. Flawless. Perfect in every way. The past 8 years have been the most memorable years of my life. You have loved me like no other, cherished me, uplifted me and been with me through everything. Seen me through my highest and my lowest. You have managed to replace every shade of grey with the most delighful hues. You have given me all my dreams and then turned them into reality. Only you could have turned every impediment into stepping stones. Oh Becky, I doubt if there is anyone out there who is as passionate, as determined, as phenomenal as you. Yes Becky, phenomenal is what you are. There is nothing that Becky Lewis can't conquer. I must be, no, I am the most fortunate man alive to have you choose me. And be with me and love me all these years. But there is just one problem Becky; I don't love you. Truth is I never have. I have just been telling myself that I do all these years. But I suppose in every man's life comes a time when he can no longer lie to himself. And I suppose that time for me has come. I don't love you. The very thought of another moment with you makes me want to hang myself. Because it would be better to die than live this suffocating, asphyxiated existence that life with you has translated itself into. Your perfection, your passion, your determination and your support, all of it, is stifling. You are stifling Becky. You smother me. Your love is exactly what a dispassionate, tepid, shallow man like me needs.But its exactly what I don't want. I don't want your love Becky. I don't want you. I'd much rather live an insignificant, meaningless, aimless life without you than spend another moment of this madness mired in words like love, support and encouragement. I am aware that in another year from now, 2 at the most, I would be living a life no more meaningful and exciting than the guy with the newspaper kiosk 2 blocks from where I'm writing this letter. I will have no dreams, no rainbows to chase. Nothing and no one to stir me, fuel me, motivate me. And that's exactly what I want Becky. Dear Becky, you have given me everything and more. I just ask you for one last favour. Please leave me alone. Go away. As far as you can. Disappear. Die if possible.

Forgive the brutal candour.

Thank you but no thank you.

Ben.

Today

Today is a hot day.Well, not really. Just a side effect, I suppose, of the fact that Cafergot almost killed me. So, today I know what staring death in its face literally feels like and that a lot worse than that feeling is when that stare lasts as long as 45 minutes. Today I know that I will not be able to deliver on my promise of "THE" book. Ever. Well, not ever but definitely not by the New Year. Today I know that even though that book is the furthest thing from being "much awaited", it is most certainly one of the most important things to me and even though my failure to deliver by the scheduled time is inconsequential to the world and will fail to stir even a single leaf, it is of immense consequence to me. I also know that this major failure (in my eyes) does not make me a lesser person.
Today I know that the neurosis, for all practical purposes, is gone, is healed, has ceased to torment. Not because of some great drug or therapy but mostly because of my acceptance of it. Today I know that the moment I chose to live with it harmoniously( like people do with the extra hair sticking out of their ears), it ceased to torment me and we became friends. Today I'm happy because I have learnt that there is absolutely no need for me to try and improve upon my below-average people skills. Today I know that though A claims to love me unconditionally, it is actually B who loves me unconditionally without ever having made such a claim. Today I know that are exactly 2 people in the world who see any hope of "the" book ever becoming a reality. Today I know that the hope and faith of just 2 people is not enough motivation for me. Today I know that you have to 1st believe in yourself before you can expect anyone else to. Today I know that I can count on my fingertips......the number of people I love who love me back in equal measure. And the fingertips don't include both hands. Today I know that it is highly unlikely that I will ever put on weight before I hit menopause. I know that I could be wrong about that but that too is highly unlikely. Today I know that I will never be able to figure out why it is that everyone I ever knew or know was under the impression that I would either become a rockstar or an activist. Today I know that I lack all degree of determination and passion for most things in life. Today I finally feel that there is nothing wrong with that. Today I know that things and people that are out of the realm of my control no longer upset me or cause me anxiety. Today I also know that 99% of all things and all humans and everything else between heaven and earth are out of that realm. Today I know that I'm crazy about my husband without thought or agenda or expectations. Today I know that the mere possibilty of the fact that someday my mamma wont be around is enough to make me want to die. Today I know that the colour white suits me far more than black. Today I know that my entire sanity hinges on 3 people. And that I can never reveal the names of those 3 people. Not even to them. Today I know that you can have more than one best friend. Today I know that even though my existence has been nomadic since conception, there is no place I love and yearn for more than North East India. Today I know that there is no community, class or category of people anywhere in the world that I belong to (barring geographical and socio-economic of course). Today I know that my crystal ball is intact and infallible. And that I still am the beholder of all the tickers in my universe. I also know that you have no idea what that means. Today I know that even though I thought I have great potential for drug dependance, the truth is I don't. I just learnt that myself. Today I am thankful for the first time for the gift. The gift that I always resented and thought was a curse. The gift of the ability. The ability to maintain 2 parallel conversations. One with the person in front of me and the other with myself in my own head. All at the same time. Without any effort or confusion. Today I am thankful for that because today I know that it doesn't mean I'm insane. It just makes me super cool like those characters in sci-fi movies. Today I know that I'm happy and very content. Today I know I am my greatest friend. Today I know that I don't like people who gloat about their international travel experiences. I also know that Indians do that more than anyone else. The gloating, that is. Today I feel beautiful. Today, I am writing after a really long time. Today, I am proud that I'm thick skinned. I'm proud that I dont care that most people find me arrogant, self obsessed and unfriendly. Today I know that I'm none of those things. I'm also proud to be a self proclaimed misanthrope. Today I know that my misanthropy is their fault, not mine.Today, I know that I'm an awful writer. Today I know that though I'm not much good at most things, it doesn't bother me anymore. Today I know that I'm unique in my own weird, out of place way. Today I know that I will never try to change myself or be who others want me to be. Today I know that I will always be what I already am and have always been. Today I love myself.