2010

I wish this new year has more listening and less asserting. More trusting and less doubting. More people to love and fewer to hate. More of rum and less of coke. More of patience and less of anger. More singing and less yelling. More to give and less to take. All to give and nothing to take. A desire to love but not one to be loved. The desire to appreciate in the midst of criticism. A passion for life and a loathing for self debasement. A willingness to embrace all trials and shun all cynicism. The strength to hold on and to let go. To be able to argue without offending. To recognise the difference between changing the world and changing oneself. To realise that only the latter is possible not the former. More saving less spending. More spending less hoarding. More sleep and fewer late nights. More rejoicing at the slightest thing and lesser whining at the greatest displeasures. More of tipsy and less of drunk. More kissing and less shrugging.

All of this and some more.

I am going to be happy because I have decided to be happy.

No one but me controls that.

Her and She

Just another day, like all others, where her main agenda was to irk people, rub them the wrong way, push their buttons, whilst making her seeming nonchalance undeniably clear, stand out, look down on mankind, rejoice occassionally, exude disdain usually; amongst more ordinary things like consuming a very unusual and very potent concoction of fish,milk,cider followed by a pint or more of whisky and gin all in an ample span of about 20 minutes?? Yes, yes 20 minutes is more than enough for the body to process and co-operate with foods and poisons otherwise meant to react violently. Aaah, then followed happy buzzed feelings...not the usual disdain but little sensations of euphoria accompanied by flying pigs and levitating mice. An hour later, the flying pigs and levitating mice were joined in their merriment by bouncing chairs and tables and co workers who seemed to be swimming on the ceiling without much effort...Oh I suppose she was always too caught up being contemptous and so somehow missed out on how delightful these nincompoops called humans actually were...Oh my gosh, the world is actually so, so , so......... buoyant?? Nice....or no wait..what was that feeling suddenly...umm the buoyancy was becoming very physiologically personal all of a sudden....there, there its bubbling bubbling bubbling anddddddd its all OUT......on the floor, on the sides, on top, and on the other her...the rescuer..is now drowing too...in what is usually called.....puke? Eeeewww....not so happy and fairy tale like anymore...not for the one trying to rescue anyway who'd never seen or "felt" so much vomit ever before..Oh grosss...eeeeek...She hates her hates her hates her....this stupid sick drunk girl who by the way, seemed to be still having a ball with the levitating mice and was completely oblivious it was not really flying pigs but herself floating on her own puke.....oh for the joys of inebriation......sigh.
The absolute disgust of the rescuer for the rescuee for some inexplicable reason, in a matter of mere days mutated into a relationship that is beyond cosmic. She and she today stand inseperable, intertwined, divinely bound across time and space. Yes, it was the puke...that seemigly putrid liquid gunk which was actually cement. So drink up cause pigs can fly and mice can levitate if you really want them to. You never know where you find your lost twin.

Becky and Ben

Dear Becky,

You are a wonderful person. Beautiful. Flawless. Perfect in every way. The past 8 years have been the most memorable years of my life. You have loved me like no other, cherished me, uplifted me and been with me through everything. Seen me through my highest and my lowest. You have managed to replace every shade of grey with the most delighful hues. You have given me all my dreams and then turned them into reality. Only you could have turned every impediment into stepping stones. Oh Becky, I doubt if there is anyone out there who is as passionate, as determined, as phenomenal as you. Yes Becky, phenomenal is what you are. There is nothing that Becky Lewis can't conquer. I must be, no, I am the most fortunate man alive to have you choose me. And be with me and love me all these years. But there is just one problem Becky; I don't love you. Truth is I never have. I have just been telling myself that I do all these years. But I suppose in every man's life comes a time when he can no longer lie to himself. And I suppose that time for me has come. I don't love you. The very thought of another moment with you makes me want to hang myself. Because it would be better to die than live this suffocating, asphyxiated existence that life with you has translated itself into. Your perfection, your passion, your determination and your support, all of it, is stifling. You are stifling Becky. You smother me. Your love is exactly what a dispassionate, tepid, shallow man like me needs.But its exactly what I don't want. I don't want your love Becky. I don't want you. I'd much rather live an insignificant, meaningless, aimless life without you than spend another moment of this madness mired in words like love, support and encouragement. I am aware that in another year from now, 2 at the most, I would be living a life no more meaningful and exciting than the guy with the newspaper kiosk 2 blocks from where I'm writing this letter. I will have no dreams, no rainbows to chase. Nothing and no one to stir me, fuel me, motivate me. And that's exactly what I want Becky. Dear Becky, you have given me everything and more. I just ask you for one last favour. Please leave me alone. Go away. As far as you can. Disappear. Die if possible.

Forgive the brutal candour.

Thank you but no thank you.

Ben.

Today

Today is a hot day.Well, not really. Just a side effect, I suppose, of the fact that Cafergot almost killed me. So, today I know what staring death in its face literally feels like and that a lot worse than that feeling is when that stare lasts as long as 45 minutes. Today I know that I will not be able to deliver on my promise of "THE" book. Ever. Well, not ever but definitely not by the New Year. Today I know that even though that book is the furthest thing from being "much awaited", it is most certainly one of the most important things to me and even though my failure to deliver by the scheduled time is inconsequential to the world and will fail to stir even a single leaf, it is of immense consequence to me. I also know that this major failure (in my eyes) does not make me a lesser person.
Today I know that the neurosis, for all practical purposes, is gone, is healed, has ceased to torment. Not because of some great drug or therapy but mostly because of my acceptance of it. Today I know that the moment I chose to live with it harmoniously( like people do with the extra hair sticking out of their ears), it ceased to torment me and we became friends. Today I'm happy because I have learnt that there is absolutely no need for me to try and improve upon my below-average people skills. Today I know that though A claims to love me unconditionally, it is actually B who loves me unconditionally without ever having made such a claim. Today I know that are exactly 2 people in the world who see any hope of "the" book ever becoming a reality. Today I know that the hope and faith of just 2 people is not enough motivation for me. Today I know that you have to 1st believe in yourself before you can expect anyone else to. Today I know that I can count on my fingertips......the number of people I love who love me back in equal measure. And the fingertips don't include both hands. Today I know that it is highly unlikely that I will ever put on weight before I hit menopause. I know that I could be wrong about that but that too is highly unlikely. Today I know that I will never be able to figure out why it is that everyone I ever knew or know was under the impression that I would either become a rockstar or an activist. Today I know that I lack all degree of determination and passion for most things in life. Today I finally feel that there is nothing wrong with that. Today I know that things and people that are out of the realm of my control no longer upset me or cause me anxiety. Today I also know that 99% of all things and all humans and everything else between heaven and earth are out of that realm. Today I know that I'm crazy about my husband without thought or agenda or expectations. Today I know that the mere possibilty of the fact that someday my mamma wont be around is enough to make me want to die. Today I know that the colour white suits me far more than black. Today I know that my entire sanity hinges on 3 people. And that I can never reveal the names of those 3 people. Not even to them. Today I know that you can have more than one best friend. Today I know that even though my existence has been nomadic since conception, there is no place I love and yearn for more than North East India. Today I know that there is no community, class or category of people anywhere in the world that I belong to (barring geographical and socio-economic of course). Today I know that my crystal ball is intact and infallible. And that I still am the beholder of all the tickers in my universe. I also know that you have no idea what that means. Today I know that even though I thought I have great potential for drug dependance, the truth is I don't. I just learnt that myself. Today I am thankful for the first time for the gift. The gift that I always resented and thought was a curse. The gift of the ability. The ability to maintain 2 parallel conversations. One with the person in front of me and the other with myself in my own head. All at the same time. Without any effort or confusion. Today I am thankful for that because today I know that it doesn't mean I'm insane. It just makes me super cool like those characters in sci-fi movies. Today I know that I'm happy and very content. Today I know I am my greatest friend. Today I know that I don't like people who gloat about their international travel experiences. I also know that Indians do that more than anyone else. The gloating, that is. Today I feel beautiful. Today, I am writing after a really long time. Today, I am proud that I'm thick skinned. I'm proud that I dont care that most people find me arrogant, self obsessed and unfriendly. Today I know that I'm none of those things. I'm also proud to be a self proclaimed misanthrope. Today I know that my misanthropy is their fault, not mine.Today, I know that I'm an awful writer. Today I know that though I'm not much good at most things, it doesn't bother me anymore. Today I know that I'm unique in my own weird, out of place way. Today I know that I will never try to change myself or be who others want me to be. Today I know that I will always be what I already am and have always been. Today I love myself.

.............

And then she says to me, "Hush, listen..you know how this works, don't you!..."

Oblivion by Bernice Raj

Each passing day
Shift I back and forth
'normalcy' to the absurd
Questions to the answers
Crowd to the alone

 

Details,do i care?
Yes..should I?
But no audience
No judgement,no applause,
No scope for repair

 

Pretence,the facade
Illusions,make belief
Cease for a moment
Breathe! Breathe!
Here..Put this on
Fits with the speech

 

Torpid,Decaying
Slowly fading
Yet....

The charm remains
I'm 'known' by you
You 'Know' me

Oblivion
Do i care?

 

I Bid thee...

'unknown'
I Bid thee farewell!

 

 

Ouch!

Off late, a lot of my posts seem to be touching some nerves that weren't meant to be touched..

And hence, the sudden drop in comments. Complete silence has befallen this little, insignificant molecule on cyberspace. Ideally, my most recent posts would have invited a lot of comments and views given their content. But nope, this time around, its added insult to injury or so it seems. It doesn't seem to matter that most of it is fiction mixed with some reality and vice versa about random tales I have heard about people in a different universe. The offended choose to insist that it is indeed ALL about them. Its funny how different people, complete strangers to each other, are all absolutely convinced that each of these posts is entirely about the one complaining. And none of the self proclaimed "victims" of my malice are even aware of the others' existence...

Jeez, talk about being ridden with guilt and insecurity.. But mostly, talk about being self occupied.

Sigh. People. Moments such as these make me think of Somerset Maugham and all his wisdom and insight about people. Of course, I lack all literary prowess and thats why he was Maugham and I'm just me.

Hidden treasure

Its changed me. And its an ongoing process. This treasure inside me.

I hate sparrows. Always have. They make this constant,irritating chitter and they nibble on everything in your balcony.But for the last 4 days I have been watching this mother sparrow and its young one on our terrace. The li'l one can't fly yet, it just keeps hopping all over the place while the mother comes and feeds it every now and then. Something about that baby sparrow exudes restlessness. It seems to bother its mother more than most baby sparrows do. I say so with confidence because I have often watched sparrows in the past as they chew away and destroy our plants and return undeterred no matter how much you try to frighten them and hence, my resultant hatred. But this particular one seems rather disinterested in nibbling or the usual activities. All its been doing is distressing its mother. Its very evident. The mother has been as facilitating as she possibly can but I suppose she could take it no more when she finally decided to abandon her young one yesterday. She never returned. And all of yesterday the tiny little deserted bird has been hopping and chittering without ceasing. But all of this "was". This morning I found it dead on my balcony. Dead from fatigue, dead from abandonment. Ordinarily, the sight of a dead sparrow would have given me much joy but not today. It has depressed and scared me no end. To know that the cold, uncaring heart of a mother is enough to kill a young,tender soul. And then there was the movie "Grand Canyon" last night where Claire has sleepless nights after she discovers a deserted baby under the bushes.

Its difficult to explain really. I can relate to Claire. Things distress her. The state of the world and the depravity, the nonchalance. And yet that baby renews her hope even as it gives her something more to worry about. Like Rob Thomas sang, "All night Hearing voices telling me That I should get some sleep Because tomorrow might be good for something. I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell I know, right now you can't tell. But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see A different side of me."

But yet, amidst all of this conflict in my head and heart, that treasure, that little bundle inside me right now gives me this peace and sweeps over me with inexplicable love and anticipation.

Yes, my child to be, you are already changing me, confusing me, exhilirating me, distressing me, all at the same time. My already mangled head, for the 1st time, is looking forward to every part of this new conflict.

Because I love you already and love understands no reason.